State of Grace

Ok, so here’s the thing.

Australian of the Year 2021 recipient, Grace Tame didn’t smile for our PM yesterday.

The criticism, the commentary, the opinions…. she sure caused a stir.

Why? Well, because, she didn’t perform the way one ‘should’ perform for the PM. (I hate the term ‘should’ and there’s literally no better example of why!)

This post is not about Grace’s conduct, or manners, or even my thoughts on what happened yesterday…. although I might get back to that at the end to tie things up neatly.

This is about a woman, living with trauma from sexual abuse and other mental health issues as a result of her abuse and victimisation, who uses her voice for change and uses her truth for change-making.

We know information is valuable for any change to occur, and Grace has been vulnerable and open in sharing her story, her truth, her lived experience and her trauma in the hopes that her ‘information’ will make a difference, will have policy reviewed and updated, will expose the workings of sexual predators, will educate young women and girls on red flags that will work to prevent future abusers being successful and literally, save the lives of victims… today and tomorrow’s victims.

Her story is heartwrenching and her resilience admirable. Her passion has been unwavering and her motivation commendable.

I’m not here to fabricate reasons for Grace’s non-compliance to social norms and expectations, because she’s an adult, she’s entitled to her feelings and she’s allowed to express them.

I have not been in Grace’s position, felt the pain and rage from her personal experiences or felt her frustration, her disappointment or anger reliving these feelings when reports of abuse, power imbalances, pack mentality, closing ranks, etc when incidents from and within our Nation’s Capital buildings, by our country’s leaders and the victim(s) silenced and be publically re-victimised.

As much hope as I had that this country was progressing and that my daughter’s generation would not experience the same gender discrimination and harassment in her life as this generation of working women and those before us who are still getting paid less than male employees working the same job, who are still being subject to unwanted sexual advances, requests and sexual favours, or other forms of sexual harassment as well as given less paid sick leave or denied employee benefits on account of gender.

Maybe Grace didn’t smile for the cameras yesterday because she’s feeling weighed down by expectations of others and even of herself, feeling responsible to do everything and anything for the thousands of victims that have opened up to her at her speaking events or via socials. Maybe she’s feeling let down by our Government. Maybe she’s disappointed about the amount she could get done in her year being the Aussie of the Year…. in a year overshadowed by a pandemic and its position in the news cycles and it’s taking over everything and anything else. Possibly also, Grace might have felt saddened that her plans and progress were hindered and pushed aside because of Covid. There’s nothing we can do about this fact, but this doesn’t mean this blow or frustration aren’t valid.

And she’s getting criticised for not smiling.

Oh, did I mention that Grace is Autistic?

No, this is NOT the reason she didn’t smile, but perhaps the reason why she didn’t want to ‘fake’ her feelings at the time. Maybe it was even suggested to her at the time, but we all know that these kinds of suggestions are usually rejected and ignored because of their inauthenticity and validity.

All the people that smile and swap pleasantries and ‘do the right thing’ whatever the fuck that is, are in essence lying to themselves and others about how they’re actually feeling. Why? Because the rule book on manners and etiquette tells us to? Who wrote this book anyway? Privileged white males with no personality or emotions? That was a question… I’m not literally saying that the books were actually written by privileged white males with no personality or emotions.

We all follow these sets of rules, are taught appropriate manners and expected to use them when required. These gestures, sayings and behaviours are words, sayings, expressions and actions, none of which take into account our physical or emotional well-being at the time, how we feel about the event or how we feel about the people we’re expected to ‘perform’ in front of…. And with the nation (and possibly the world) watching.

I’m going to throw out some Autistic assumptions for your consideration and connect them to the events that unfolded yesterday. I mean it’s only fair, given these assumptions are ALWAYS applied whenever Autistic people are being judged, watched and commented about.

 Grace didn’t give our PM any eye content – well, this is pretty consistent with being Autistic. Eye contact can be very difficult and even painful for some.
 Grace was unable to ‘fake it til she made it’ – Autistic people struggle with this inauthenticity and truth. Faking is time-wasting. Get to the point and say it like it is.
 Grace would be a very literal interpreter being Autistic – using my spawn as an example of how being literal isn’t just about language but can also be applied to actions – some shit went down in Canberra last year, a woman was questioned, ripped apart and then silenced, a day of unity was held on the steps of our Government house and Scomo didn’t attend and in order for him to ‘understand’ the abuse and the perspective of a victim he had to look at it, though the lens of a father of girls’….. Scomo is a man in power, a man who didn’t listen, a man who hasn’t *really* made any statements of note for change-making, and a man who didn’t support the victim(s) publicly. He is literally the leader of our Nation that has the power to do so much and he did so little. He’s literally like all those other men who ignored, were unsupportive, were dismissive, and who brushed things under the carpet. He’s been put in power to protect his people. The parallels to this man in power and to her own experiences might be too much for her feeling as though she’s shaking the hand of an actual abuser. He’s literally part of the problem. 
 Perhaps Grace struggles with light and the flashes of the camera were too much for her. 
 Perhaps Grace was experiencing severe anxiety being the centre of attention.
 Maybe Grace had told everyone that she didn’t want to shake any hands (because she doesn’t like to be touched and throw in Covid and germs for extra fun) and Scomo went in for the shake and she didn’t want to be ‘rude’ and ignore it, so shook his hand and HATED it and went into some kind of shutdown as her request for no hand-shaking was ignored, omitted, forgotten, down-played or dismissed bringing up feelings of being invisible and puts her in victim-defense-mode.

Those examples – yes examples because I don’t know, and will never know, what Grace was actually thinking or feeling yesterday – might be able to support some kind of explanation as to why the photos didn’t turn out so great.

Now to my point….

I would like those that are criticising Grace on her demeanour and her conduct yesterday to consider her neurological difference as a contributing factor to the outcome. No, I didn’t say excuse for what happened, but perhaps contributing context which leads to better understanding… hell, can I even say better support or am I pushing it too much? Yep, I’ll stop at understanding.

I call on the Australian media, journalists, influencers, commentators, Autistic advocates and Autistic voices to use this (photo) opportunity to shine a light on the fact that Autistic girls and women are more vulnerable and susceptible to sexual abuse. 

Do you need the stats for me to quantify and qualify my statement? Even with my dyscalculia, I can manage to muster some up.

 Studies have found that Autistic females are at a high risk of being sexually abused (Ohlsson, Lichtenstein, Långström, and Pettersson, 2018; Cridland, Jones, Caputi, and Magee, 2014). 
 Autistic girls and women can be extremely vulnerable if they have difficulty understanding social relationships and/or the real intent behind what people say or do, particularly in relationships and when engaging in social media (Victorian Parliament 2017. Inquiry into Services for People with Autism Spectrum Disorder – Final Report. Family and Community Development Committee. June 2017. Available at https://www.parliament.vic.gov.au/fcdc/article/2588.)
 Bargiela, Steward, and Mandy (2016) interviewed fourteen women who had received a late Autism diagnosis and asked them about their experiences as adolescents. Although the sample size was small, nine of the fourteen women reported having been sexually abused in their youth. The women reported that it was hard for them to sense danger and often felt obligated to have unwanted relations to fit in (Bargiela et al., 2016).
 Autistic females typically try to ‘camouflage’ or ‘mask’ their Autistic traits, which may also put them at risk for sexual exploitation (Hazell, 2017). As they attempt to avoid social rejection, Autistic females become more vulnerable to abuse and dangerous situations (Hazell, 2017). For example, if a neurotypical individual has a boyfriend, an Autistic girl would likely also want a boyfriend. If she then saw males desiring sexual relationships with females, she might in turn believe that being sexually promiscuous is a way to obtain a boyfriend. This study, in conjunction with many others, demonstrates how vulnerable Autistic females are to sexual abuse.

In conclusion, let’s focus on these statistics and not concern ourselves about a fucking smile!!

Also, while we’re at it, education and understanding of the female presentation of Autism would be great, so that girls are no longer misdiagnosed (with eating, anxiety or bipolar disorders), or missed-diagnosed completely, which is being treated for other mental illnesses in the absence of Autism as a contributing factor.

The current estimated ratio of autistic boys and men, to autistic girls and women, is 3:1. However, girls and women continue to be underrepresented in Autism prevalence data.

The ongoing systemic failure to identify and diagnose Autistic girls and women results from a lack of recognition and understanding across sectors of the differences in how Autism presents in girls and women compared to boys and men, as well as historic gender biases in Autism screening and diagnostic tools.

Many Autistic girls and women are not receiving the support and services they need throughout their lifetime and are at increased risk of misdiagnosis, abuse, financial hardship and social isolation.

Instead of commenting on Grace’s demeanour and conduct and calling her out for behaving like a spoilt and petulant child (which is beyond abelist) and her relationship with Scomo, share the statistics around the relationship between Autism and sexual assault. 

Make a difference and literally be indifferent to an image of a non-smiling lady full of Grace.